Emotionally hitting rock bottom

As I sit here wondering what the hell to write about, my mind has a thousand things, I'd like to talk about, to get out. Just try & put it on paper. I go from hating to loving to saying goodbye, right back to I will survive....Wondering how  people are going to take what I got to say, but I'm the first one to tell you "who gives a fuck, what they got to say". Everyone hs an opinion & of course some may conflict, but fuck that bitch!!! Why the hell you reading my shit??

I'm a tell my story from 2007. When I "Emotionally hit rock bottom"

Your mind doesn't stop wondering your heart is beating out your chest, you can't understand this, because all you have been doing was laying to rest...You just wanna go to sleep but your mind won't shut off. It's is driving you crazy. Your kids are fast asleep & you have to be up for work. You're wondering why the fuck is this happening. Then you realize your bodies shutting down, you can't eat "you try" because you do want to survive. You can't sleep & even at times it feels hard to breathe, kind of like your head is closing in. You are trying to fight what feels like a losing battle, but you don't give up, because you don't want to feel this way. You are looking at your kids wondering why are they not enough to snap you out of this? Instead of it pulling you out, it pushes you further in, because now the guilt has set in, you're feeling horrible they're your world & would do anything for them, yet they find you on the bathroom floor again....

So after 3 weeks of having no control of my emotions & walking around like a zombie, my body just there....They truly did find me on the floor & it was who I call one of my "angels in disguise" who litterally picked me up & put me in the car, because I was slowly fading away. My brother Tim & my oldest daughter Trinity took me to the emergency room....I remember laying in the bed starring at Trinity & I got a little spark of hope, yet that sick feeling because she is seeing me like this....

My doctor comes in & begins to speak of course it wasn't hard to tell I was lost just by looking at me. He says do you have suicidile thoughts?? I instantly said no....I have everything & two beautiful girls to live for...I fought for 3 weeks force feeding myself & vomitting everytime the food touched my mouth. I had no feelings other then my insides constantly shaking....I truly thought & was worried I was lost for good, yet always kept my faith....So  with telling you this, now you know why my skin is so thick & I show emotion, when I want too. I am stronger then I have ever been in my life. I was one of the first ones to say "You have to be weak, in order to know how to be strong"

Learning from the situation & seeing how my kids couldn't help at the moment, is the very reason they are now my strength & my sanity that keeps me grounded!!! There will be NO MORE FALLING!!!

(ONCE YOU HIT ROCK BOTTOM "EMOTIONALLY") There is NO going back!!!!

The letter to Senator Casey! I took out a few things for privacy matters:

Attention Senator Casey,

                It was brought to my attention on your website that you had the honor to witness the signing of a historic legislation on March 23^rd 2011 to improve health care for millions of Pennsylvanians. The patient protection and affordable care act will provide more security for those who have insurance and expand coverage to more than 32 million people who do not have coverage. This new law will reduce costs for Americans and reduce the deficit by $143 billion over the next ten years.

                This would be the reason and concern I have for writing this letter to you. My mother who has been diagnosed with congestive heart failure & coronary artery disease has been battling a fight for the past 2 yrs now. Who personally does not have insurance and can’t get help through the government coverage.

I will take you back to 1996 when she first became disabled, she was a hard working woman who worked her whole life and in or around 96 had a heart attack, which lead to a triple bypass and being disabled. She loved to work and she never once asked to be put in the system, but without hesitation was grateful for being eligible for disability she had a family to take care of.  She never picked up the insurance that was offered through medicare because my father was still working and had great insurance. Which by the way saved the system at the time $45,000. She felt it was good enough that they helped her with the disability she didn’t want to take the insurance as well. Not knowing in the near future my father was going to lose his job after 30 years of employment which left her with no insurance and soon following my father having a stroke which now leaves them both disabled. Which means they live month to month on a fixed income. I know my family is not the only ones going through this there are millions. I am writing to you, because in the past two years I have almost lost my mother several times. She has been denied help so many times, so I thought it was time to go higher and see if you can help save my mom. She recently had angioplasty done in the summer of 2010 which was a stent put into her heart, well a few weeks ago, it ended up clogging up and they had to go in with a balloon and release the blockage. My mom’s whole body is covered in blockages the only good part of her body AT THE MOMENT is her brain.  She must undergo a stent surgery on both her legs because of severe blockages which makes it difficult to walk. With having said that, there is not a vascular specialist who will do the surgery because of having no insurance.  Since she is disabled she called Medicaid to see if she could pick up the insurance but since she didn’t do it from the start she will be penalized with a double payment they said for the rest of your life.

                Okay now you have two elderly people living on a fixed income of :

My father’s before taxes:  after all the deductions Like  and an additional  for plan b and a few other deductions is what is take home is.

My mother’s set income is. This is what they have to go on for a month. They have their every day bills, now tons of hospital bills and doctor bills not to mention medications.

I am writing to you to see if there is something you can do to help save my mom. It was said if her hands turn purple or her feet turn an odd white to go straight to the hospital, this means it is now going to your brain. Why and I ask why again would you not just help and fix someone right away before there is a chance it could be too late. All she wants is the opportunity to pay what everyone else pays for Medicaid. They can barely survive month to month now.

                I believe this country has things twisted and backwards. We can send troops over sea’s and destroy cities and use US dollars to rebuild and help with other countries to rebuild after natural disasters. Don’t get me wrong, my family who has nothing we always try and donate where it is needed and we have nothing. Now I am asking that you help the people of your country to live a longer life that they deserve.

                I am begging you to help me and my family get through this time of need! I am awaiting your response and truly hope there is something you can do to help the people of your state!

Thanks again,

Marcy Schulze (Daughter of Elizabeth Schulze “who the letter is about”